I am not an injured skater.

I made the decision today that I won't be calling myself an injured skater.

I'm not less of a skater than someone else.  I don't want to be given special treatment.  I don't want changes made for me.  I might require some patience, from myself as well as others.  But I'm not an injured skater.

Once you've gained the title as "injured skater" it's very hard to shift.  When are you not injured?  When you bout again?  When you hit someone again?  When you get through a whole practice without crying?  Once you've got that title I think a little part of you will always be broken. 

As I said before, the hardest part about coming back will be the mental challenges.  To get past this I need to believe in my head that I am not broken, that my brain is not broken.  This is important!

I'm a recovering skater or a returning skater, but not an injured skater.

Things I have learnt from the leg - no one really understands what it's like.  You get 90% of people who have not had a sport related injury but are still considerate and empathetic people who are genuinely interested in being a supporting person (I like them, they're good) and then you get 10% who have never experienced an injury and know nothing about me, but still feel they are the most informed person in the world whose opinions should be followed.  Well, no.

Unless this has happened to you you pretty much have no idea what we go through.  Yes, the injury heals but the brain does not heal at the same rate.  My brain recovery is getting there, but it's definitely not recovered.  I got hurt doing something I love, something that made me happy, and now I'm scared of that thing.  How the hell do you get over that?  I like roller derby still and I support my league, but I don't love it any more.  Only recently, after 4 months, have I reached the point where I want to put skates on again.  I'm now happy and excited to skate, but playing roller derby can basically get to fuck.  For now.

I try to get to the practice venue where the break happened at least once a week for mental healing time, but it's difficult.  I can now get to about an hour and 45 minutes in before I start crying, which is an improvement.  But I'm still petrified to see someone fall.  Everyone falls in roller derby, it just happens and it's OK.  I know this and I know people fall hundreds of times and are OK, but the reality is I fell once and it wasn't OK.

Even though I put on a brave face the truth is I am a different person and skater now.  Although we all recognise that roller derby can be dangerous and you CAN GET HURT we still don't *really*.  I'm different now, I see all the falls that could have been bad and it will probably hold me back for a bit.  Before I said "yeah we can get hurt" but it didn't feel like a reality, no one expects it to happen to them.  I was never a risk taker in derby but I guess this shaped how I played.  I sometimes envy the skaters that don't know what this feels like, but I don't think I would want to go back to my cosy bed of injury naivety.

There has been some occasions where other "safe" activities have become scary in my head because of the injury.  Like I was on a cross trainer and thought "if my foot slips and I fall weird I could break my leg".  This is a totally ridiculous idea!  But this is my brain now.

I can't describe every way I feel now because of leggy but what I'm trying to say is, if you don't have a personal experience of a sports related injury, are unsupportive, don't recognise that every injury is complicated and different you should probably sit down and shut up.

So what happened?

I got through tryouts and in my first competitive practice I fell in a way I've probably fallen hundreds of times before, but something went wrong.  Thanks to having amazing first aiders around me I was made very comfortable and reassured whilst the paramedics got to me.  They took me to hospital and made me look THIS sexy.



 Honestly, the worst part about going to A&E was the fact I didn't pee before practice and instead thought "what's the worst that could happen?" Well, the worst is you sit in A&E for 6 hours dying for a piss. 

I was then in hospital for a week while they operated on me three times and made me into a robot.  I was fed an array of beige food and had more peeing anxiety involving bed pans.  Basically my whole hospital stay was about peeing and being naked in front of people.

After a week I was desperate to get home.  When you're in hospital you're in this no mans land where no actual recovery takes place.  I wanted to get out of there and just get to it!  Unfortunately, as soon as I was left on my own for the first time it finally hit me how incapable and fragile I was and I just cried for like ages.  Apparently it's normal, but it's not fun.

Slowly I figured out how to do daily things.  I discovered the great importance of having a back pack and a mobile phone on me at all times!

After this first day my recovery has been swift and I totally believe it's all about positive mental attitude.  I am stronger than my leg.

Some days I feel amazing.  I'll realise that i'm doing something that I haven't been able to do and it's awesome.  Then other days (like yesterday and today) i'll feel like a fail.  Like why can't it just be BETTER ALREADY!?  Luckily those days don't happen often.  I don't let them.

I've still got a long way to go but this stupid leg won't stop me.

Four months ago I had a spectacular fall whilst playing roller derby and broke my leg.  I'm now part wolverine, roooooaaaarrrrrr. 

I've been through a lot.  I've spent time in hospital, learnt how to walk again, tried to retain a social life and not go mad...and sometimes it's been pretty horrible.  But I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I will blog about leg things.