practice wins

 - I did 35 crossovers (haha, one day i'll be like king of the crossovers)
 - I derby stopped on both toe stops instead of one.  I've always hated going on my toe stops and when I came back Skinner taught me how to derby stop, but I could only bring myself to go on one.  Today I was told to go on two and I just did it.
 - I jumped with both feet sideways over a cone.  hate cones.  They're stupid.
 - My backwards skating is getting faster.
 - My transitions are better than last practice.
 - I dripped a lot on the floor.

One of those is not a win.

Everything else makes me feel good.  Little positive steps towards improvement.

Tomorrow I will make a healthy protein cheesecake as reward.

I must be nicer to myself

I have been really rubbish and hard on myself.  So, I'm starting this new thing!  After practice i'm gonna write at LEAST one thing that I can say I did good.  These are the important things.  Fuck everything else.

I did like 25 crossovers (I'm scared of them, don't ask)
I did good work in a wall and slowed down a jammer.

That wasn't too bad...

motivation

I've not had much of a problem with motivating myself to go to the gym, but today I just could.not.be.bothered.  I found myself going "i'm too tired" "I haven't ate enough" "i'll go tomorrow" etc.  But tomorrow what if I was still "tired" or had some other excuse?

NO!  No waiting till tomorrow!  No stupid excuses!

The reason why I'm overweight and unfit is because of excuses.  Why would I start going back down that way?  I've spent a lot of my life letting my mood affect my behaviour, but now I want my behaviour to change my mood.

I went to the gym and I didn't drop dead from exhaustion! SHOCK!

Stop making excuses and do things.

legchievements

Things have been a little difficult recently.  For various reasons my leg has been a big dick and this has resulted in me being too hard on myself.  This makes an unhappy Connie!  LET'S CHANGE IT!

I'm really far away from where I need to be, I know this.  I'm too heavy, i'm not fit enough, I have skate skills to work on, I have fears to overcome..blah blah.  BUT what have I accomplished?

I achieved full mobility.
I can squat like a fucking boss.
I can do derby stops now and couldn't before.
I can plank for longer.
I am fitter, faster, stronger and lighter than I have been before.

I will be nicer to myself. 

I believe this break has done me good and will do me good, and I say God bless it!

Don't call it a comeback

I've been thinking seriously about coming back to skating for the past month or so.  After getting a yes from my doctor and physio it all became a bit real.  I've slowly been trying to get my head around the idea.  I've bought new kit and put new wheels on my skates to try and be ok.

 

Bailey approves of knee pads.

I've done a few practice knee taps and slammed down on bad leg knee and it feels ok.  I kinda didn't expect it to feel so ok.  Wonderful wonderful 187's.

With one day before skate day I thought I should probably put skates on!  It felt weird but oddly comforting.  Like it was normal, or something.  I expected tears and screams.

I am going to attempt to skate tonight and i'm pretty nervous.  What if I don't remember how to?  What if I have a fall?  WHAT IF I HURT MYSELF!?  This is real, yo.  I act like I don't care and it's nothing but I have flash backs pretty much every day.  Going back to the hall it happened is hard enough when i'm watching...but skating!? 

So, baby steps.  Baby goals.  10 minutes skating and 1 lap.  If I do more than that i'll be happy!

I am stronger than my leg.

I am not an injured skater.

I made the decision today that I won't be calling myself an injured skater.

I'm not less of a skater than someone else.  I don't want to be given special treatment.  I don't want changes made for me.  I might require some patience, from myself as well as others.  But I'm not an injured skater.

Once you've gained the title as "injured skater" it's very hard to shift.  When are you not injured?  When you bout again?  When you hit someone again?  When you get through a whole practice without crying?  Once you've got that title I think a little part of you will always be broken. 

As I said before, the hardest part about coming back will be the mental challenges.  To get past this I need to believe in my head that I am not broken, that my brain is not broken.  This is important!

I'm a recovering skater or a returning skater, but not an injured skater.

Things I have learnt from the leg - no one really understands what it's like.  You get 90% of people who have not had a sport related injury but are still considerate and empathetic people who are genuinely interested in being a supporting person (I like them, they're good) and then you get 10% who have never experienced an injury and know nothing about me, but still feel they are the most informed person in the world whose opinions should be followed.  Well, no.

Unless this has happened to you you pretty much have no idea what we go through.  Yes, the injury heals but the brain does not heal at the same rate.  My brain recovery is getting there, but it's definitely not recovered.  I got hurt doing something I love, something that made me happy, and now I'm scared of that thing.  How the hell do you get over that?  I like roller derby still and I support my league, but I don't love it any more.  Only recently, after 4 months, have I reached the point where I want to put skates on again.  I'm now happy and excited to skate, but playing roller derby can basically get to fuck.  For now.

I try to get to the practice venue where the break happened at least once a week for mental healing time, but it's difficult.  I can now get to about an hour and 45 minutes in before I start crying, which is an improvement.  But I'm still petrified to see someone fall.  Everyone falls in roller derby, it just happens and it's OK.  I know this and I know people fall hundreds of times and are OK, but the reality is I fell once and it wasn't OK.

Even though I put on a brave face the truth is I am a different person and skater now.  Although we all recognise that roller derby can be dangerous and you CAN GET HURT we still don't *really*.  I'm different now, I see all the falls that could have been bad and it will probably hold me back for a bit.  Before I said "yeah we can get hurt" but it didn't feel like a reality, no one expects it to happen to them.  I was never a risk taker in derby but I guess this shaped how I played.  I sometimes envy the skaters that don't know what this feels like, but I don't think I would want to go back to my cosy bed of injury naivety.

There has been some occasions where other "safe" activities have become scary in my head because of the injury.  Like I was on a cross trainer and thought "if my foot slips and I fall weird I could break my leg".  This is a totally ridiculous idea!  But this is my brain now.

I can't describe every way I feel now because of leggy but what I'm trying to say is, if you don't have a personal experience of a sports related injury, are unsupportive, don't recognise that every injury is complicated and different you should probably sit down and shut up.